I sometimes wonder what happened to the bullies when they got older. Do they ever feel remorse? Did they just grow up to be nasty adults? Are they working each day to undo the horrific damage they inflicted? I am one of their victims too, and I try my best to block what all happened and be a loving, kind person. I think I am a loving, kind person, but that pain that began all those years ago turned into real psychological disease that has to be treated every day of my life, and there are times I feel really black-hearted toward those bullies. I wish just one of them would speak up to say how what they did torments them each day, and night, and that they are so sorry. I’ve never seen anything like that though.
The only thing to do now is to keep living the way we are, doing the things that mean something–anything–to the world, and to ourselves. And to remember through art and deeds those who didn’t survive. I am shaking right now thinking of the young people these past twenty or so years who died from cruel, monstrous bullying. I call it murder.
I was a hyper-vigilant mother to our son. He survived me though, and he kept a watchful eye on the kids at school. He told me about breaking up a “swirly” event he walked in on in the bathroom. I wasn’t there of course, but I knew how threatening he could look when he was angry. We were proud of him then, and stayed proud. He became a musician and is doing very well. He still keeps a watchful eye.
I keep a watchful eye too. I do what I can when I see bullying. I never thought of myself as having a mission, but sitting here writing this, feeling the feelings and crying, re-living those awful times, thinking of the time last summer when I yelled in the face of that little boy who had been yelling and hitting another boy with a skate board, I see I do have a mission.
I have a great life in spite of everything that happened and I am grateful to have love. But underneath I still deal with feelings of not deserving it, not being good enough. I go through times of agoraphobia and bad anxiety. I love it when those feelings and symptoms aren’t present. On those days and nights I live fully and deeply and am happy.
Joella, what a fine legacy you’ve given the world: your watchful son–and your own vigilance! Meanwhile, I wonder what those past bullies have added to the world–hopefully better children. Perhaps, they have seen their own children being bullied (Karma) and finally understand the pain.
No, Joella, I don’t think they ever do feel remorse. I saw a talk show about 10 years ago (Rikki Lake or Jenny Jones or something) where they had people confronting their bullies after the victims grew up. The bullies sometimes didn’t even remember the people or argued back that there was nothing to feel bad about or apologize for because they were “just being kids.” And that’s the problem, I think. To the bullies, it’s really nothing but a way to pass the time. They don’t carry it with them. If they are insecure or cold and mean enough to bully someone in the first place, they don’t have the emotional capacity to feel remorse later. The people they hurt don’t matter to them in the future any more than they matter at the time of the abuse. I wish that the people on the receiving end of the bad treatment could divest themselves of the memories (or at least the emotion associated with the memories) as easily as the abusers do. Steve often kids me about my poor memory, but in some ways I think I’m better off. I was bullied and I know it hurt at the time, but all that seems so far in the past now that I don’t feel it really affects me today. I remember some of the incidents, but there’s no emotion tied to it. It’s more like remembering scenes from some old movie I once saw.
P.P.S. — awareness is the first step and it’s happening. I give Lady Gaga HUGE credit for stepping up and making it cool to be cool instead of a jerk.
Great post Steven; you are a MOST courageous man and i admire you a great deal. Didn’t know you had a son; sounds as though you did a great job with him.
That is all.
Yeah, words do much greater damage than fists really. Odd, the other night I watched NCIS and the side story was about bullying. So was Grimm this week. On Grimm, the bully ended up dead. On NCIS, one of the investigators remembered being a bully. It was believable; he’s bullied the ‘new guy’ all along. Finally he decided to apologize to the victim and looked him up. He arrives to find the guy is a head and a half taller. He tried to apologize and the other guy says, that’s nice, but shouldn’t it be me? I’m really sorry, I was a jerk. But the NCIS guy walks away confused; he’d been the victim and in self defense, had convinced himself he’d been the bully. Weird but kinda cool. On Grimm, the bully was the father. He destroyed his son and ended up his victim. So sad and so obvious what had ruined both their lives.
So, my point is that TV is starting not to laugh at the bullies and their ‘antics’ as though it’s cute but to show them up, revealing the harm they cause. Yeah, it’s only TV but it shows the tide is turning.
P.S. today on the street of Pasadena, there was a petition to further strengthen laws against bullying in schools. We signed of course.